I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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