So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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