so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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