I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
