i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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