Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize