my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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