Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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