I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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