At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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