oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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