Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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