lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
