Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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