I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
