I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
