My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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