he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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