alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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