i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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