Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
