i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
