So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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