So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
