wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
