I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize