drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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