All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
