so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
