When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
