Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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