Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
