The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
