i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
