so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The ass gains better be worth it
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