And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
