??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize