____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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