Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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