dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
