she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
