Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
