do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
