You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
