PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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