you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
