dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Terrible idea I love it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
