Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
