The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
