my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize