I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
