Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
