Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
