you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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