My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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