Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
