he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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