I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize