Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
