ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
