return my video game
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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