His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
